It it entirely possible that someone should pass and enforce a law prohibiting dopey people (read: me) from using super glue of any type. For what may be the 743rd time, I have managed to 1) glue myself to myself, 2) glue myself to the lovely orange preschool picture frame I managed to blow up in front of my then-preschooler and 3) eliminate every fingerprint on both hands.

Perhaps, rather than bemoaning my ineptitude with adhesives, I should embrace the dark side. I could not avoid Locard’s principle (transfer of trace evidence) but I could likely touch things pretty anonymously. I envision myself sneaking around museums, randomly touching picture frames and display cases, setting alarms a-clang, all the while pointing at some innocent schlepp down the gallery a ways.

Instead, I suppose I will go buy a bottle of acetone-based nail polish remover and self-medicate by inhaling deeply as I bring my fingerprints back from the non-breathing hell to which I have relegated them.